gentle reader

My partner just brought me home a reader – what more could any writer want?!

Well, no, it’s an e-reader, and it’s only on loan, but it’s still enormously interesting. I quote from the manual, with my own reactions and thoughts in italics:

Note on use:
Gentle reader,

• Replacement or repair of a broken or scratched touch panel is not covered by the warranty.
So you can touch, but you mustn’t scratch, prod, niggle or pick. Mind you, even touching is fairly libertine for this day and age.

• Do not drop or submit the Reader to excessive shock.
Be careful which books you load, as the gentle Reader has a sensitive soul. (And how do you define excessive shock?)

• Do not poke people using the supplied stylus.
I may have joined FaceBook, but I don’t tend (or intend) to go around poking people.

• Do not treat or use the supplied stylus roughly by bending it, or scratching the touch panel with it.
Be gentle with your gentle reader and even moreso with your gentle stylus. A pen is mightier than a stylus – or at least cheaper to replace if you break it.

• Use the supplied stylus only for the operation on the touch panel.
That makes it sound more like a scalpel than a pen. I think the excess articles also make it clear the writer was not a native English speaker. At least not of my dialect.

• Do not use a damaged or deformed stylus.
There’s really no answer to that.
Unless, perhaps, “That’s what she said.”